“Your Heart Rate is a little high, you’re probably just nervous about the appointment” -The RN at my ENT appointment
I laughed and then announced “Oh no, that’s normal for me, I have a brain injury.”
My moms face turned upside down.
“You should have told her you have an Autonomic Disorder.”
Oops, you’re right, maybe that would have been a little more subtle. I mean after all my usual response to such things is “I have a broken brain”. I guess you could say I struggle with making subtle announcements.
I mean if it were up to me I’d get a name tag that stated “Hi my name is Merideth, I have a broken brain, please excuse me if I forget what I’m saying half way through a conversation, pronounce a word backwards, mix up the 10 digit number you just gave me, or just completely fall over onto the floor.” I’m all about those subtle gestures. I suppose it is up to me, and I could most definitely seek out the largest name tag known to man, but it’s far more interesting watching facial expressions when you rattle off some backwards word concoction and suddenly appear as if you’ve had a stroke. I don’t at all find pleasure in my twisted verbiage, and awkward temporary brain malfunctions, nope not at all. Don’t worry Alice, I don’t need your essential oils, and facebook thoughts and prayers, my brain will still be broken!
So yes mom I suppose I could have much more subtly announced I have an Autonomic Disorder as a result of a Brain Injury (; (see what I did there, we both won). But I lost all that was once subtle about me 6 years ago when I made the ever dramatic, absolutely far from elegant, up close and personal greeting with the basketball gym floor. My subtle days are long gone, they hit the floor running, well maybe not running, but they definitely hit the floor.
I traded the subtle days for the blunt days, the VERY blunt days. So yes Patricia, the Imaging Technician, I have had a CT scan before, in fact I’ve had many, bet you can’t guess why? That’s right, I fell straight on my head, and no Patricia I wasn’t dropped as a baby, no Patricia I didn’t fall off the monkey bars, no Patricia I wasn’t skydiving when my parachute didn’t open. Yes Patricia you heard that right, I willingly stood in peoples hands in attempt to cheer on the crowd when I did the exact opposite and scared them all shitless. Yes Patricia, I too hope my brain is still in there on that CT image.
Now I’ve had many lessons life has so graciously gifted, more like thrown at me, after I was thrown out of the air. Oh you fell on your head? Here let’s hit you in the face with big life questions because that initial hit wasn’t enough. Have I made it obvious enough yet in this post that I fell on my head?
Anyways the point I’m attempting to get at here is this: why do humans waste so much time attempting to leave subtle hints at their feelings and emotions when they could be straight forward and blunt instead?
Yes I could have told the kind nurse from Mississippi that I had an Autonomic Disorder, but you and I both know I would have done a disservice to her potentially questioning brain for the rest of her shift. Instead I killed two birds with one stone or whatever that saying is (take that PETA). Not only did I give the nurse her answer as to why I wasn’t nervous (do people actually get nervous for ENT appointments? Okay I can’t lie I suppose I once was one of them but can you blame me? Who willingly is prepared for a snake like camera to be not so kindly shoved down their nose?) Anywho I’m off topic again. I wasn’t subtle today, I was blunt. Yes I have an Autonomic Disorder but I got it from a Brain Injury. The sweet nurse now no longer has to agonize over what condition could possibly leave a sitting 20 year old with vital signs that indicated she was running a marathon. We both know homegirl don’t run no marathons. You’re welcome Martha.
Maybe you haven’t fallen (figuratively and literally-lol) into the same situation I’ve managed to land in (lol again). But I can guarantee there are at least a handful of things you are being subtle about, instead of being blunt and truly expressing how and why you feel such ways.
I’ve learned that by being straightforward about things, it has most often resulted in conversations that likely wouldn’t have occurred had I chosen to make my thoughts small, or tuck them away, merely hinting at the reason.
Now I’m not saying you need to climb into someones hands ten feet in the air to announce what you have to say, baby steps y’all, we can’t all be cool like me. But maybe pushing yourself more than you normally would to speak up wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I’m certain had I not scared the at least 10,000 people by announcing I have a “broken brain” when I find myself in situations where it’s clearly obvious I’m different, then none of the opportunities I’ve had to educate others and create awareness about POTS would have occurred. Sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone to express something we would normally keep to ourselves, can result in a beautiful kind of magic. A valued conversation that results in all parties feeling explained and understood.
I feel like this blog post should also come with a disclaimer however; maybe take this with a grain of salt, trial in small amounts. I highly advise against putting on your blunt ego and suddenly telling Gertrude her haircut looks like ramen noodles, that might be taking the blunt thing a little far. However speaking your truth, and your feelings, (that aren’t about Gertrude’s hair) can often lead you to some of the greatest conversations you never once knew were possible, because you were comfortable with subtle and didn’t dare to be blunt, even though you longed for the conversation that would have occurred had you been blunt and provided the listener with an opportunity to question you on such feelings, but you were scared or nervous, so you made yourself small and subtle. Stop doing that! You are worth being heard, even your blunt exclamations, whatever they may be. Just leave Gertrude’s hair alone when you do decide to give yourself the voice.
GERTRUDE YOUR HAIR LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, BUT MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR MY HAT.