“That has always been my biggest fear in life, that I would spend everything I had “fighting” my illness and have nothing to offer- and for me, living without being able to give something of yourself to the world, living without adding value to the world, is not a life I want. I do not want to fight for a life that consists of only self-care, I would rather die than live just for the sake of living. I can sense how fragile this life is, how fragile our futures are. How easy it is to let yourself be swept into a version of your life that you despise. It’s far too easy to let your life become something you resent.
You can’t put your life on hold until your “better” life begins. You have to fight like hell to make sure the life reflected back at you right now is one you want to be living.”
–Claire Wineland(a bad ass role model for those living with Chronic Illness’ that left this earth far too soon.)
And so, you wake up and you do the things. You go to work, and you go to school, and then you go to your other work, and you go to clinicals, and you come home, and you try to keep a clean house, and to study, and to eat healthy, and if you’re lucky you get some sleep. You do all of the things to distract yourself from the part of life that involves fighting your illness. Because maybe if you keep yourself so busy you will be distracted, and you won’t have time to remember to be sick.
And when you’re at work you do what someone calls being “too attached” because it distracts you from your own reality. And you see the reflection of your former self looking back at you, so you do your best, and sometimes more than your best, so that when the reflection looks back at you, you feel peace. And it’s not every time you see your reflection but when you do you get “too attached” because you need to know that those that come after you don’t have to feel what you did, you try to change it for the better. You try to make it so that the reflection you see staring back at you doesn’t have the nightmares of the days you still remember but try so desperately to forget. So, you do more than your best, and in the moment, you let yourself get “too attached”.
And when you’re at school you sit in the back, because the possibility of being noticed when you struggle harder with something than others is too high, and you don’t want it to be obvious that you’re different. And when you don’t get the point for something that everyone else does you beat yourself up a little bit harder, and question whether you were really cut out for this. You know you were but the voice in your head from years back reminds you of your differences, and you make yourself small and sit in the back so that you won’t be noticed. But you get through the day, and you remind yourself that even if you have to sit in the back and sometimes make yourself small, you still showed up, and that is something to be proud of.
And when you go home, you most likely won’t clean or make healthy food. You probably won’t wash your hair, and maybe if you’re having a good day you’ll actually get your uniform ready for tomorrow. You’ll remember to feed the cat but that’s about it, and then you’ll fall asleep, and you’ll probably leave your lights on, but you’ve been blessed with a gracious roommate that will shut them off for you. You won’t remember to take care of everything at home, but that’s okay, because you have a sidekick of a roomie who is there to pick up the things that you fall short of doing, and she does it with love, not resentment. You are lucky to have a person like that in your life, and you feel thankful.
And then tomorrow you will do it all over again. And you will be exhausted, but you won’t have time to think about fighting the illness, and well isn’t that what it’s all about?
You do the things that bring you joy, and even though you do them differently than others because of your past, and even though you might do them more slowly or unlike most, you still wake up and do them.
And that, that is everything. Because you get the chance to do the things, you have the opportunity to do the things. For once in years you can keep up with others, and even though it feels at times that you’re slightly drowning, you’re still keeping up. You’re no longer just fighting the illness. You’re making a life for yourself, and its one you’re damn proud of.
So wake up, and do the things.
And when the things get hard, and overwhelming, you don’t quit, you keep going. You push through so that when you come out on the other end you can look back in the mirror, and you can be proud of the girl you see. Don’t make up excuses or reasons why you can’t do the things, because then you will find yourself back in bed fighting the illness, and that’s all you will become good at. And that is not what you were meant to do, you were meant to do more than just fight the illness, you were meant to succeed, not just at fighting the illness but at doing life.
You wake up, and you do the things. And you don’t for one second take for granted the chance you’ve been given to do them.
Because this life is precious, this life is your only opportunity, your only chance to make the impact you want, and to leave behind a memory of yourself you’re proud of. You don’t for once give the illness the opportunity to define you, because that is not what you were meant to be, you were made for more. So be more, be so much more that you leave others in awe at the fact that despite your illness, you still made your life something to be proud of.