“It’s a new me!” “Newer than the ‘new you’ you talked about six months?” “Yep, an even newer new, the newest of new.” That indeed was the conversation I just had in my head with myself.
Yes, I still have conversations in my head with myself.
You see the thing is I very much am still adjusting to life outside of being the sick kid, and I think more so now than I really ever have. I’m learning and adjusting to focusing on my emotional wellbeing now that I don’t have to spend all that time focusing on the wellbeing of my health. With that comes adjusting my attitude, and my personality, and my thoughts, as well as emotions in general that come with the craziness that is life. I’m learning and adjusting to focusing on my physical wellbeing outside of just merely trying to survive. That means working to keep my body in its best shape, and learning to eat things that are going to better my health instead of the latter.
The last month I’ve been rather negligent to those around me, I’ve distanced myself so that I could in turn give myself the best opportunity to really truly focus on me. This has resulted in more conversations with myself than I could begin to articulate to you.
I’m not saying that in a months time I’ve completely changed and evolved all the impact the last five years has had on me, but I’ve started to. “This is a marathon, not a sprint” who knew those words Dr. M spoke to me five years ago would ring true in so many different ways.
I beat myself up time and time again over the fact that I still to this day struggle with things as a result of my accident. I feel guilty for allowing it to interfere with my daily life. Saying that I have PTSD from it seems wrong, how could I have PTSD from something like a cheerleading accident? How can my daily life still be altered from something that took all of 60 seconds to happen?
But the truth is that’s just life, and life is hard. And as Glennon Doyle Melton, one of my favorite humans ever says, “We can do hard things.” And it’s true. Who am I to judge myself for how I am feeling. I find myself telling those around me all the time in their times of trouble that “Whatever you are feeling right now is okay, no emotion you feel whether it’s sad, mad, angry, happy, upset, none of those are invalid. Your feeling whatever they may be are valid.” so then why am I over here stabbing steak knives and into my head and legos under my feet for feeling things? Maybe because I’m still learning how to feel things again after telling myself I couldn’t feel things for so long?
So yes, I told myself it was a new me, and I vowed and promised myself to a few things, as part of the new me:
- To FIND something that I enjoy doing, and to make it a priority to do it, for myself, and not for anyone else. (I wanted this to be something meaningful, and gaining my strength back is something I have longed for, for a while now. I knew that by doing this for myself it would in turn not only make me feel better about myself, but provide me with time to myself, for myself. I’ve started going to Pure Barre, I try to go every day that I don’t work, and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I chose this over just vowing to go to a gym because I knew I would feel lost in a gym, the motivation wouldn’t be as strong, and I likely would lose the determination. With Pure Barre I’ve become encouraged by those around me in the environment, the class is structured so I know I am benefitting my body, and I simply enjoy it so I know it keeps me motivated to go.)
- To FOCUS on eating healthier. (I by no means meant this as going on a diet with intentions to lose weight. I am not at an unhealthy weight currently, however I do often feel hat what I have been putting into my body has made me feel more sluggish, and overall just bleh. I knew that some drastic vegan or paleo eating style was not something that would work with my lifestyle, nor is it something I am really interested in. I decided that making this commitment would mean trying to cut down on drinking things like soda and energy drinks, and instead replacing it with more water. That instead of turning to picking food up for dinner or lunch I would make a greater effort to cook more meals at home. This is a little change type of thing for me. I’m not drastically changing my eating habits, I’m just bettering and adjusting them along the way, in tiny ways.
- To LISTEN to my emotions, and to put them as a top priority. (I have a very big habit of going out of my way whenever I can, for whoever I can. This is just my personality, and I know it is not a bad quality to have but it often leaves me feeling emotionally drained, and empty. I decided that I need to be better at listening to myself, and what I need for me emotionally, not what others need from me emotionally. This has caused me some conflict with myself because it at times makes me feel a little selfish, but I am learning to better understand that in order to be the best to those around me in my life, I need to at first be my best. This means taking a step back in situations and thinking them through, deciding what will truly be the best decision for me, instead of rushing into something because it seems like the right thing to do.)
Find, Focus, and Listen. These are my goals. I know it’s okay to have bumps in the road along the way of reaching our goals, and I know this isn’t a “snap your fingers” and it happens situation either. I also know I have plenty of more goals I want to accomplish in may life, but that in order to achieve each one to it’s best potential I need to take the baby steps, and to be patient, instead of just jumping right in full force like I tend to do.
“We can do hard things.”