Month: February 2018

But then…..

I blame him for the fact that I suck at feelings.

I want to scream at him every time I mess something up in my life that’s related to feelings, because I blame him.

I don’t trust the way I used to before him.

He changed everything in my life, and I know he probably didn’t even think twice or consider the fact that he was creating a snowball of a problem in my life.

I know he didn’t think about me.

Because if he did he would have understood just how much he was going to mess up.

I do not find light in him being gone.

I do not find peace in him being gone.

I do not find comfort in him being gone.

My soul is not at rest at the end of the day knowing he is gone.

My soul is ripped in pieces at the end of the day because of his absence.

I do not see out of rose colored glasses.

I cannot see out of rose colored glasses.

I do not see how anyone can see out of rose colored glasses.

Maybe they just haven’t experienced the soul ripping.

I over exert myself in every friendship/relationship I have ever had because of him.

I spend half my paychecks on pointless things for people who have done nothing for me because I fear that they too might disappear.

I over invest myself in every conversation I have ever had because of him.

I don’t shut my mouth and I speak over others because I need to be certain that it is obvious that I am still here, and that I haven’t disappeared.

The truth is Matthew altered every aspect of my future the day he ended his, and everyday since then has been altered.

The truth is I hate more than anything that people can feel helpless, hopeless, and unhappy in this world.

The truth is I feel this way sometimes too though.

The truth is that I spend my life worrying so much that others are content and fulfilled in theirs that it is eating me alive in mine.

The truth, the real actual truth, is that none of this is relatively easy.

This year is 5 years out from the time a permanent decision was made to a temporary problem, and I will forever be scarred by it.

I wish I could say that I understood what compelled him, and all the others, but I don’t.

I sometimes think about the topic, the outcome, should I have made such a decision.

But then I smell the air after it rains.

But then I feel the warmth of the sun after a long winter.

But then I remember the chirping of birds.

But then I remember the sound of thunderstorm.

But then I remember life.

LIFE.

And then I don’t think about it anymore.

And then I don’t desire for it to be over anymore.

And then I don’t wish for an end.

I wish for an eternity.

I wish for a lifetime, and then some.

I wish for every living soul to remember too.

I do not find comfort in his decisions, I find anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion.

I find pure let down.

I blame him for the fact that I suck at feeling because he took them from me and replaced them with overwhelming worry.

I blame him but I am trying not to because there are thunderstorms, and chirping birds, and warm sunshine’s, and crisp air.

And I get all of these things.

All of these gifts are entitled to me.

And suddenly I don’t even think about it anymore. Suddenly I am content, suddenly I can feel.

And it FEELS good.

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