In a little less than 5 weeks my highschool journey will be over. I really feel pretty nauseous thinking about this for so many reasons. My brain is overwhelmed with “what the heck Mer, it’s time to get your $h!+ together, but then again it was 4 years ago too!!!”
I’m feeling a tornado of emotions as I realize that a huge part of my life is coming to an end in so many ways. I understand that for every highschool kid now is a crazy time, but then throw in one that is medically complex and well AGHHHH, you get me right now!
Not only am I reflecting on the last 4 years but I’m (attempting) preparing myself for the next 4. If I recall correctly, planning for highschool was a heck of a lot easier than this was, and I wasn’t sick then either! So here I am buried in my own little pharmacy, preparing to pack up my little home here in my little town, and travel to the city that I so tremendously love to start a journey I am very uncertain where it will lead me.
As I look back on these past 4 years I feel exhausted because my goodness so much has happened. I went from a normal highschool teenage girl, to a sick teenage girl trying to find her place again in this world. As I was talking with a coworker today who is also medically complex I somehow found myself spilling words and emotions I definitely wasn’t prepared to share. I don’t know this coworker well, I see her maybe twice a week but for an hour we listened to each other’s struggles and trials and I found myself ranting about missing out on the “highschool experience” so many around me have had.
It’s silly I know, it’s something that in the big picture doesn’t matter. But as I pack my highschool bags up in my head and prepare for college bags I am reminded that these bags aren’t filled with what I thought they would be 4 years ago when I set out on this journey. I am realizing the aspects of my life that have become far more mature, and then I find the aspects in which I have greed and envy that I didn’t realize I had for those around me that have experienced the things I long to.
As I emotionally pack my bags I am left with tremendous uncertainty in the road ahead. I’m beginning to realize a little more each day that this is actually happening. You see for a while I was so sick I had begun to give up the dream of ever making it to college. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to move out of my parents care and be on my own. But, here I am online shopping for measuring cups, and shower curtains because those are obviously the most important things to take to college!!
I really have no idea where this journey will lead. I have high hopes and dreams of making it to medical school and then traveling to the east coast for a surgical residency and then coming back home to the Midwest to take up a job as a trauma surgeon. It all sounds so simple and easily accomplished when typing it out on here but I know the journey ahead will be everything but simple.
As I mentally pack my bags I am preparing my body for the years of healing ahead of me as I try to understand I will be navigating every other college kids journey but also while embarking on a tough process of physical healing. I have come to realize that the next 5 years ahead of me will probably be the hardest yet as they will be filled with trial, and error, and unknown experiences in attempts to restore my being to what it once was. My body will be pushed in ways I have never before felt, and the outcome is completely unknown.
So as I pack my bags mentally to prepare for this new journey ahead I am reminded of the journey I am completing, and how just when I thought I couldn’t make it through, I somehow managed and came out even stronger. I’m packing my bags now, so that there may be room for new, far better ones.