I don’t know why people die, I wish I did but I don’t. And well if I did then that would make me God and let’s be honest I don’t want all the responsibilities he has, but it sure would be nice to know why people leave earth when they do. It always feels like it’s the wrong time but it must really be the right time for them, otherwise I believe they would still be here. While ultimately death isn’t usually our decision I do believe we have some sort of soul that says when it’s time for us to go. I guess I can’t quite figure out how to explain what I feel.
It seems as if quite a few people have passed on recently and while that hurts it also opens up the old wounds of others lost that have begun to heal over. I say begun to heal because we’re never truly the same after we lose someone. Each person that holds a place in our heart I believe is like a heart string, and when they pass well the string gets broken. It hurts and you can’t really replace that string because well there’s never one quite the exact length as the one before.
Sometimes we have warning before hand when someone is going to leave their earthly bodies. Of course it doesn’t make the loss any easier but it does give those around to prepare their souls for the loss, to say what they’ve never previously had the courage to say.
Other times people leave earth suddenly, it happens out of nowhere and it feels as if we are left with a deep gaping hole in our chest. It leaves you struggling to catch a breath and takes what feels like forever for the reality to sink in.
While death is just not fair it is ultimately something that will happen to everyone. There’s truly no way around it, unless of course you’re like Walt Disney and get frozen in hopes you can somehow be defrosted, I never quite understood that. I would like to live forever some days but others I find comfort in knowing that my time here is not eternal.
I feel as if I’ve been exposed to the passing of souls maybe more than others my age and I know part of that is due to the last three years of my life and the people that have walked into it. It never gets easier but each time I realize more and more what I believe to be my reason for still being here.
You see my illness has never been terminal and it never will be. I have struggled with that from the very first day, I find relief in the fact that POTS itself will not kill me but at the same time I feel greedy that I have been given the diagnosis without a shortened life. I believe with all my being though that it was for a reason and while I am no God each day that a soul passes I am reminded more and more of my job here on earth.
I like to think that we’ve all been given jobs for our souls here on earth and once we fulfill and complete these jobs the big guy up above says “okay my friend you have done your job, you have made your impact now come join me in your forever home and watch the work you have done unfold down below.” Maybe that’s a silly thought but it helps me justify the passing of people because there’s really nothing just about that.
My freshman year one of my best friends committed suicide, I was never the same after that, and never will be. Matthew taught me the value of self love and the importance of asking for help. My grandpas both passed away and through them I learned the importance of taking joy in the simple things in life, to stop and be silly and appreciate earth. Christina, a college student with POTS committed suicide last spring, she taught me to never let my battles win, to always remember the strong me deep down inside. Laura and Eibhlin two tremendously strong cancer Warriors taught me the importance of fighting no matter what is ahead of you, that even though you may not know what tomorrow holds its important to push through. Today my elementary school principal passed away, she jumped in front of a bus literally to save the lives of her students, she taught me to put others first, to be selfless in my actions, that your actions are how others will remember you. She taught me to have the courage I often wouldn’t have.
I don’t think anyone simply leaves this earth just because, I believe there is a reason and I could be wrong but at the end of the day you and I will never know while we’re here on earth. The idea of death is quiet scary because well you never truly know when the time will come.
I hope that my earthly job is evident to others in my everyday life even though I might be unaware of what it truly is. I hope that others are able to see the light through the darkness of losing a close soul. The human body is not invincible but it is strong in will. Death is not an end to a story it is a reassurance that a story is there and ready to be heard should one open their ears to listen.
May Matthew Waters, Jerrel Brooks, Donald Jiskra, Christina Tournant, Laura Kelly, Eibhlin Ewald, and Susan Jordan all rest peacefully with a sense of comfort knowing their earthly job is completed. For you have all touched me and I will carry your lessons with me until my work here on earth is complete.