Month: November 2015

i DON’T know, & that’s okay.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately and what is to come of it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m finishing up high school and moving on to another stage of my life, maybe it’s because I’ve been speaking at events more often and have been reflecting on what I’ve gone through, maybe it’s just simply because I’ve gotten to a point in my health that I’ve never really been at before.

It sounds so extremely weird typing this because I honestly never really thought I would and I don’t want to jinx myself but I feel good. I can’t say I feel healthy because I honestly don’t remember what that feels like but I feel good. When I wake up in the morning and stand up I don’t feel as if I’m going to fall over. When I’m halfway through the day I don’t start sweating as if I’m Niagara Falls. When I walk I don’t get out of breath after taking a few steps. I feel good. (Now of course this doesn’t mean I’m magically healed because for some reason when I say I feel good people automatically assume I’ve been magically healed. Do remember I am still quite assisted with medication) But I feel good.

It’s probably because I am finally feeling a little better that I am finding myself with more time to think about everything. While I look back on everything these past 4 years I have realized that every time I thought I had an idea of what was going to happen, I’ve been just about as wrong as I can be. I don’t know. If there’s one thing and only one thing I’m sure of it’s that I have no idea what will happen. I think after today I am okay with that.

Today I stood in a room at my internship it was filled with 23 prospective teachers, (education majors in college), well 22 if you subtract the girl that slept through just about the whole thing. But that’s okay we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she spent the whole night studying. (Something I am currently not doing. I am telling myself I already know the muscular system because it’s part of me.) Any who as I stood in that room I listened as two of my bosses talked about how they landed where they are today; CEO and Vice President of ArtMix (a program that redefines art through disability) I listened as they both talked about how they had completely different plans for their lives but somehow both ended up at a place that they leave everyday and are even more excited to come back the next day. It wasn’t somewhere they even knew existed probably when they set out into the world but here they are now.

Today I drove away (like literally drove away driving my mom’s mom car.) okay with what would happen and where life would take me. As one of them said today “they like knowing but they like not knowing even better”. Starting today, well not today because today is basically over, so starting tomorrow I’m going to enjoy not knowing.

I have no idea where I will be with my health in the next 6 months, year, 5 years, plus and it used to be something that kept me up at night. I have wasted so much time worrying about what I will do that I often completely forget to live in the moment. I literally go into things and before hand think about every possible outcome I create in my head. I drive in the car and think about every possible crash I could get into. It’s such a mentally exhausting thing to do but it’s something I’ve done everyday since the day after my accident. I’ve become absorbed by the fear of not knowing.

So starting tomorrow I will find comfort in not knowing, because when you don’t know there are endless possibilities. That’s the way it should be.

 

 

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