Usually when I can’t sleep I roll around until I figure out the reason why. Tonight is one of those nights. They say your subconscious is thinking of things even when you aren’t. I guess my subconscious has been thinking hard about the anniversary of my diagnosis day that happened last week. I think I was so caught up with the start of senior year that I didn’t even stop to make the connection. That 2 years ago last week I was formally diagnosed with POTS.
It has to be a good thing that I didn’t make the connection right? I mean it’s not like it’s a date you mark on your calendar and celebrate every year like a birthday, HOORAH you get a debilitating chronic illness congratulations! Have a cupcake! If only…… I always say that this journey seems like it has lasted SO much longer than it has because my goodness it feels like it has been dragging on forever, but I can finally begin to say that my soul is healing.
Let me be clear that my soul and body are two different things, at least in my opinion. While my body still does struggle I am getting stronger every day. But my soul, well it’s been hurt for a very long 2 and 1/2 years. I always stress the fact that acceptance is something you never truly do gain when you’re suddenly handed that packaged present of a chronic illness. I tell myself all the time that I have accepted my reality and then find myself torn apart a week later when another part of the reality hits me. So I have not accepted fully what I have been handed but I am learning the journey everyday and my soul is healing.
I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and I see a strong girl not a weak and frail sick girl. I drive myself to school and I sing in the car at the top of my lungs and I don’t unload my wheelchair from my moms car and place myself in it. I walk the halls and talk with my friends and I don’t quietly seclude myself from others. I am confident in going out into the world and exploring and I don’t stay in my bed. While some of these things aren’t the easiest I still push myself to accomplish them and 2 years ago I wouldn’t have. My soul is healing.
They say when you become sick you lose a part of yourself and it never returns. I can definitely say I lost that part of myself and it probably won’t return but I’m excited to fill the hole with the new side of things. While yes, before you ask I do still have POTS and do still take my medications and I am getting better. They say anyone can take the medicine but without the mind and soul to fight the beast as well then the medicine does nothing. I’m fighting the beast too and now my soul is healing.
I’m excited to do life without introducing myself to everyone as the sick girl and while it’s scary and new I know it’s important. I’m excited to continue to advocate and impact the ways chronic illnesses are viewed and treated by others. I’m excited to adventure as someone without limitations. My soul is healing and it feels so good for once.
So I won’t celebrate my diagnosis day but I will acknowledge it as something that has made me stronger. I will recognize it as a turning point for who I am as a person. I will celebrate everyone that has helped get me to this point because there have been countless days where I never imagined it possible. Mind, Body, and Soul. Mind, Body, and Soul. They all can heal.