Month: January 2015

What a day to be alive.

Yes I’ve hit the two year mark of being sick and have even surpassed it. It’s true that out of all 2 years I’ve been going through this I am now in the darkest of the fight I’ve ever been. I don’t think I would call it rock bottom though because well I’ve been there too before, and this just isn’t quite it. Maybe this is the realization after all these times I’ve tried to accept and come to terms with this maybe just now is the time when it’s actually happening. You would think that by now I would be adjusted and comfortable, you know have the pattern of my life figured out, that I would be back to how I used to be. Quite honestly though I’m the complete opposite of that. I’ve spent so much time waiting and hoping and counting on someone coming up with this magic fix and my goodness it’s exhausting it really is. So maybe this is me accepting that I don’t have control over this and as much as I wish I did it really is out of my control. I know so many people will say no you’re wrong you have complete control over this and how it affects you and how you take care of it and yes my friends you are right but you are so wrong at the same time. I too thought I had control over all angles of this until it keeps you in bed each morning and you literally have to shut the entire world out to get yourself where you need to go because it is just too difficult to face others on that day. I’m not throwing a pity party I don’t want your sympathy at all honestly. People tell me they are “so sorry” all the time but you’re not. You aren’t sorry because you don’t know what to be sorry for because there isn’t anything to be sorry for. Oh sure look at that fragile girl who paved her way through high school in a wheelchair occasionally when she wasn’t humiliating herself falling over during class. Yes be sorry for her because it’s out of your control. No that’s not the right answer the right answer is to be sorry for the homeless person who lost his path somewhere along the way but don’t be sorry for me. Yes I’m tired, I really am exhausted, fighting your own insides completely wares you out but man does it teach you. Maybe I have just now realized that it’s time for me to stop pushing it out of my life and to accept it and what it has shaped me to become because for that there is nothing to be sorry for. Be sorry for every other teenager that hasn’t learned the value of living and just what is in front of them because trust me I already know and there is nothing to be sorry about for me. I am made of the strength that will fall on concrete head first but still get up because there is more to do, I am made up of a determination that will get in your face if you are in the way or keeping me back from something I care about achieving, I am made of the confidence to get what I need and to ask for the help to keep my body functioning. I am not made up of a bunch of sad stories. I may have my college tuition well accounted for in medical bills and enough history to fill up the pages of three great big trees but I am not something to be sorry for. I am tired and I am still just as lost as I was two years ago but I am strong. I am strong because I have seen the world that lies beyond the physical desire that no money could ever pay for. I know the feeling of accomplishment when you are on your feet for the first day in literal months and it feels like you are the luckiest girl in the world because you can finally stand for more than 5 minutes. I know what it feels like to walk into a room of strangers and confidently tell them that you are different. I know the satisfaction of making it through the day because that morning it felt like your whole world was closing in and coming to an end. Do not be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself because you haven’t pushed yourself and just accept your limitations. It might have taken two years but I have finally made it, it feels awful and it’s dark but the relief of worrying and contsantly caring of what others think of me has all floated away now and I can breathe because whatever happens is going to be okay, it’s out of my control now and what a day it is to be alive.