When the going gets tough. Knowing the No.

I’ve been teaching my body to stick out the pain and not turn immediately to my rescue drugs like I am so used to doing. I’ve gotten to the point in life where I will take a medication before I even feel the pain just in case I end up feeling it as then I will be safe; being scared of the  pain is what my life has very quickly become. However over the past month I’ve realized that eventually my body will become prone to these medications and they will no longer work, it’s terrifying to think about the fact that your rescue drugs eventually won’t be rescue drugs anymore and you will be out of options. So in attempt to save my rescue drugs for the  very worst of times I’ve been working on sticking out and enduring the pain without turning to medication. It seems silly as I type this because it’s so frustrating that a person even has to find themselves in this situation. I can’t help but think about the future and realize that in 2 years I will be on my own, to some it may seem far away but for others it’s something you must start preparing for. I’ve always had a lot of support around me whenever I’ve needed it; a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a person to catch me when I fall (literally) but in 2 years all of this will change and I will be in the great big world on my own. It’s all so exciting to think about what my future will hold and who I will meet, what I will do, and where I will travel to but after rough nights the 2 years I have ahead of me seem almost impossible to grasp. I found myself last night in a room with my sweet sister, cousin, and mom all asleep as I layed wide awake with the too familiar dizziness running through my body. Realizing that in 2 years I won’t always have my mom or sister around to wake up in the middle of the night to tell I don’t feel good I realized there was no better time to prepare myself and take care of my body on my own. As I made the trek up the stairs into my grandmas kitchen my heart ran a marathon but the continuous “you can do this on your own you are strong” ran through my head. After stumbling into the kitchen to the fridge I quickly chugged a water bottle struggling to hydrate my body and swallowing salt from the shaker I grabbed all the crackers in sight and resorted to the couch. After catching my breath I realized that this was one of the more difficult flares my body has been thrown into but there not being a rescue medicine for situations like these I continued to tell myself that the shaking in my hands would stop eventually and my heart would settle leaving me in a position to finally fall asleep. After the ten minutes passed I was able to finally calm down, until I was awoken an hour later by the oh so familiar tumbling and twisting of my stomach. At this point I was beyond frustrated, I had already dealt with my POTS for the day the last thing I needed was for my GP to act up. After sitting on the bathroom floor all I could think about was how much easier things would be if I just gave in and let it all consume me. After all fighting pain is a very exhausting thing to do. I thought about how much easier it would be to just give in and use the medicines until they no longer worked, to just throw the health I have away and not eat because maybe then I would feel better (which definitely would not work as I would end up tube fed). I eventually fell asleep on the couch to wake up the next morning. As I prepared myself for another day I realized that I didn’t eat a good dinner last night, I jipped my body from getting the nutrition it needed (probably what caused my POTS flare) and the unhealthy not so nutritious dinner I had most likely was what sent me into a GP flare. All of this is just a reminder of the fact that I have to take the absolute best care of myself I possibly can. Bow obviously that goes for anyone but in the hot heat I was out in yesterday I probably should have drank more water and even though I did drink a lot it wouldn’t have hurt to drink a little more. I also probably should have eaten a healthier dinner that would provide my body the necessary nutrition and energy I needed after such a long day. I have to start training myself to take better care of my body and be more aware of such things. I think this can be placed in the daily lives of many wether you are someone who gets up early for work and should probably go to bed an hour earlier than they do or someone with fair skin who should put on more sunscreen or the friend at the party who should really consume one less drink (or maybe not at all). We as humans tend to look past the fact that we really only have this life and aimlessly living it without protecting our bodies can do us a lot of harm. I found myself today at a blue man group performance in a rather down mood. I was sad that I had to get pulled out of the show at 3 different times for the prevention of strobes (they make me seize) and I was bummed and felt left out because my medical situations had restricted me from doing something. Yes I could have sat through the strobes and yes I would have had a seizure but then my body would have been unable to keep up with everyone else’s for the rest of the day. I realized later that protecting myself is often something I need to do even though it may not seem like the most fun or exciting option. This doesn’t mean I have to live in a bubble in my bed all day it just means I have to take things as they come and in that time and that moment make the smartest 9and safest) decision for me as a human. By protecting what I have now I am giving myself the opportunity to later take life and run with it. So I might not be the kid going to amusement parks or out partying on my summer nights but I am the kid thinking and doing what’s best and healthiest and that’s something that’s very hard to do. I would like to sit through strobes and dance around too but the reality is that I can’t, I would like to eat ice cream with all the milk in the world but the reality is that I can’t, and sometimes that is hard to understand and get past all of the no’s to embrace the yes’ but it takes time and that is okay. I guess the point or intention of this blog post was the fact that we as humans don’t respect ourselves as much as we should sometimes! I encourage and challenge you to find or consider doing what’s best for you rather than what you want the next time you are placed in a difficult decision or situation to make. No isn’t always what I want to hear and that’s something I am going to have to work at but if I intend on staying in this body of mine No is going to have to be the okay sometimes. 

One comment

  1. Gaining some insight, a good sign of maturity. The body needs fuel and you always feel better after you eat.
    You’re finding that out finally. Gram

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