Month: March 2014

A year ago this Saturday.

A year ago this Saturday an angel was on his way. To a place so high, so full of life. A place we call heaven, a place so free and someday home to you and me. A year ago this Saturday an angel was on his way. His faith would carry him there and as the outstretched arms of his creator took him in a blonde haired blue eyed angel gained his wings. A year ago this Saturday you and I said a temporary goodbye as we set our angel free among the skies. A year ago this Saturday a prayer was said and a tear was shed, in hopes that someday we would be re-united again. As you carry yourself may you do it with pride, holding your head up with every stride. For you and I were blessed with a gift, a gift of breath, a gift of life. Some leave soon and some stay long. A gift of life and someday we will all say goodbye. A year ago this Saturday a goodbye was said that felt too soon none the less, but comfort was soon felt knowing that a new angel was present up above to shine down with all his love. 

 

Rest easy sweet Matthew, Rest easy. 

 

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To the girl who taught me what I longed to understand.

I was asked a couple days ago if I’ve always had a positive outlook on my life with an illness or if I hurt for a while. I became numb as I read the question and reflected back on the last year and a half of my life. My body filled with this feeling so indescribable it was familiar to a sense of pride but at the same time as if a hole had just formed in my heart. I yearned for the words to express to the girl what I wanted to say but I couldn’t seem to find the right ones to fill the hole up that I felt had just formed. When people see me I long for them to see a positive, courageous, hopeful spirit. I long for them to see this driven, brave, and faithful soul. I’ve never been one to share the hard parts, I’ve always rather just shed light on the simple joy I found in the situation. I believe that strength is not necessarily a physical thing, it’s not seen in the eyes but by the heart. I somehow seemed to find a cluster of words to send back to the girl but nothing quite filled the hole in my heart or took away the pride. I think I took away more from this girl than she realized. I don’t say this to gloat or brag, I often am told how I’ve inspired them and in all honesty it goes right in my ear and out. I don’t see that side of me, the “inspirational” side. I tear up every time I read something on those terms but it’s almost as if they’re saying it to someone else, not me. Talking to this girl made me realize that this was what I believe I’m made to do. I want to help others, provide them with such strength that they feel they can accomplish anything. I feel that hole placed in my heart last Saturday was placed there so I would be given the chance to fill it back up from the pride I can take away by helping others. I often type my blogs not really knowing where the blog will end or what the message of it will be. I believe each and every soul on this earth is awoken every day for a reason. Some souls strive to be actors, others authors, some doctors, and some educators. I on the other hand I want to be an inspirerer (and yes I just made that word up). I want to lead projects, start missions, meet people, talk at events and leave them with something that opens a hole in their heart leaving them with a new passion and pride to venture on to fill the hole up. I want to thank this girl I talked to Saturday- her name I will leave unknown as she helped me figure out what my intentions really are. I want to thank everyone else who has ever sent me any encouraging words. As I thought about what she asked I realized I did hurt before the positivity came and I still do hurt, at least once a day I think about what it would be like to be living now without an illness but I wouldn’t have it another way, yes the hurt hurts and it still does hurt a year and a half later but the hurt has made me who I am. I think once one begins to accept the hurt in their life whatever it may be they begin to see the positivity. Hurt isn’t just placed in ones life to hurt them, it’s placed there for a reason but when one lets the hurt take over and control their life they lose the ability to someday see the positivity. It’s a lot to tell someone to embrace the hurt and it takes time to do so, but by accepting the hurt and allowing the positivity I’ve been able to see things from such a different view and I’ve found out how to love myself. Something I will forever be thankful for.