Tears can’t be held in forever.

I cry when I think about the future because it scares me. I cry when I think about the past because it upsets me. If this was Gods plan to place this illness in my life I can learn to accept it but it’s often so debilitating as I have to stop and restrain myself. To sit back and say to yourself this isn’t the safest thing for me. If you know me then you know I’m a crazy, bubbly, energetic person. I’m an outgoing busy body that doesn’t like to stop. POTS however has changed a bit of my living. I haven’t blogged or shared my feelings lately about how I stand medical wise as I’ve tried to “push it out of the way” and ignore it as much as possible since it’s the holiday season. The Holiday Season however just hasn’t been the same for me. I absolutely love gift shopping for people. It’s my favorite part of Christmas. I love picking something out that’s just right for that person and then wrapping it all up. This year however was different as I found myself having to do mostly all of my shopping online because I no longer have the physical energy to do it. Same with wrapping I can only manage to do a few before I have to be done for the day. I went to see one of my beautiful friends dance in the nutcracker as I did last year as well but this year I found myself reading a text from her saying there were loud sounds in certain scenes that might cause me to pass out so to be prepared. I can’t help but be so thankful for all I have but I also can’t help but lose it at times. It’s so devistating when you do something as simple as throw your arms up in the air from excitement of getting shirts in that you’ve made for a fundraiser but then you find yourself lying on the ground barely able to talk with paramedics all around you a few minutes later. I’m so thankful I have such a wonderful family that takes care of me and worries so much but I absolutely hate seeing their faces as they sit next to me helpless in an ER room. It sucks so much that illnesses like this exist and I’m told that “with the right combination of medicines my symptoms can be controlled and that it’s all a chemistry”. I’m also told that people grow out of POTS as they get older and that it should provide me with comfort that there is hope but I can’t help but lose sight of it often as I struggle to keep up with everyone as we walk around downtown. I’m so thankful for the doctors that have helped me and provided me with the care and support I need, that give me the hope and paint the picture for better days ahead of me, however right now they just seem so far away.  I’m just 15 yet I rely on a handful of pills in the morning, afternoon, and night just to function properly. I look at people as they spring out of chairs and just quickly get up and my jaw drops as it’s something I used to take for granted, something so silly that we do so effortlessly yet it’s something I can’t even do now without ending up on the floor. I hate to complain but there’s so many thoughts that loom inside of my head that often overflow my mind. I’m just a 15 year old girl I barely know anything but I do hope that this isn’t all living is for me. I hope someday I can take a shower without having to sit the whole way through it and I hope someday an apple a day will help me keep the doctor away. I am forever thankful as I sit here and think back to all POTS has brought me this last year; unbreakably strong friendships with girls I will forever be thankful for, amazing doctors who have made living a bit easier for me, my absolutely wonderful family who have been by my side every step of the way, and a new outlook on life and just how precious it is. I don’t usually ever share my thoughts on how I feel like this, I like to keep it on the inside as I hate to burden others with my dysfunctional body but I’ve learned over the year that it’s important not to keep everything in. And after all, you non-potsies wouldn’t understand POTS if we weren’t here to explain the not so bright sides of it. So as I end this blog I thank absolutely every single one of you who has ever read it as it has over 3,000 views (truly amazing). I thank you for supporting me as without it I would be lost. We always think of illnesses as awful things, which they are but I still believe somewhere there’s some reason why they are placed in our lives, and although I might not have it figured out yet I do have hope that I someday will, and for that I will be forever thankful. I wish you all a holiday full of good health, friends, and family and I wish you the very best in the new year. 

2 comments

  1. Gosh sweetheart you are so strong and yet so frail, your spirit will get you through this. You are still the bubbly kid I have always loved, your mind is as clear and bright as it ever was, and your
    words are so full of meaning in the way you express yourself. Why this happened we’ll never know, but one thing is for sure it will make you a Giant in all you do. Keep the faith Baby and let it all hang out.
    Gram

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