Month: November 2013

Where Feet May Fail. Endless Thanks.

As I sit on my grandmas cozy couch, wrapped up in blankets and my moms sweater, the aroma of white gardenia candles fill the air, and “Oceans” by Hillsong United plays I can’t help but be thankful. Anyone who knows me knows Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and day of the whole year! Every year Americans dedicate one day out of the year to give thanks. Over the last 11 months I’ve learned better than ever that I must give thanks everyday as I’m blessed with so much. As it says in the song “Oceans” by Hillsong “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior”. What better song to describe my fight? My faith is just one of the many things I am thankful for as it has been strengthened so much. I truly do believe that was part of The Lords plan in handing me this battle. As I look back to last thanksgiving I think of all the things that have happened since then and it’s hard to not stop and tear up over the sad but then I think to all of the positives and this great big smile glistens over my face. Last thanksgiving I never thought The Lord would take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and place such a fight in my life. Through it however I have met some of the most AMAZING people. I could never name them all because I’d be afraid of leaving some of them out, but to sum it up My doctors, My family, My friends, My spoonie sisters, EVERYONE that has ever believed in me when my faith was weak, My supporters,My Mallory, My Caleb, My Gabby, and My Abbey, and the Big Guy up above. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks, spending time with those you love, and eating lots of food of course. As you celebrate thanksgiving this year however I ask you pray for some of my closest Spoonie Sisters that don’t get to eat a great home cooked meal. I ask that you pray for their strength so someday they will. There wasn’t really a point in this blog but just to realize I’ve made it yet another year and all of the many new things I have to give thanks for. I know it sounds crazy like Ive said before but I’m thankful for my illness as it has given me countless opportunities to do things I’ve never thought of, and has blessed me with the opportunity to meet and create friendships and bonds with so many of you and to that I will forever be thankful. I’m thankful for so much more too that I am probably leaving out as well. As I end this post please know that words will never be able to explain the thanks I have to still be alive and as well as I can be at this time in my life. Words will never be able to explain the thanks I have for each and everyone of you. Have an amazing Turkey Day full of endless Thanks and Laughter. 

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A scream to realize it all.

Everything starts racing around you, people keep talking but you’re starting to get lost and drift away and then you crash. It’s dark but you can still hear faint voices. Life is happening around you yet you don’t quite know where you are. Your knees hurt and your head is pounding from the impact. Your heart is racing, as if it could just explode at any minute. Your body is slowly starting to stop convulsing but you are still twitching. Your eyes finally open. It’s over and you’re back. People stare at you and some ask if you’re okay but all you want to do is pick yourself up off of the ground and run away from it all but you can’t, because your legs don’t work yet. You’re forced to lay there and endure the stares, the whispers. Your eyes start to fill with tears but you push them back because you have to put on that mask of being stronger than that, this is normal to you and it doesn’t affect you. I woke up screaming after a seizure tonight, I couldn’t stop the screaming, a blank stare on my face and the screaming of 11 months that has all been bottled up suddenly started to rage out of my mouth.  And in that moment I realized more than I have ever realized before. All this time I’ve tried so hard to put this mask on. This false appearance of how it affects me. Waking up from an hour long seizure and being asked “How are you” and I reply “Fine”. Or passing out onto concrete and still “I’m fine.” I’ve told this lie for 11 months, I’ve told myself that I had to be stronger than the concrete and stronger than the hour and to just get back up and keep on going. I’ve never let myself say “No, I’m not fine right now I could use a hug or a hand up”. I’ve always done it on my own and pushed people away, I’ve never taken their help and boy have I messed up by doing this. Have you ever offered someone your help or to pay for something and they’re just like no and you’re left with that kind of “Oh” feeling. SO many times have I pushed people away, I’ve run away from the feelings the reality of it, the pain of it, and the whole entire situation. I’ve tried to keep up with everyone else and then got disappointed when I crashed and burned and awoke to the realization that I couldn’t keep up. I’ve tried to live this life where I was so so strong. I’ve jipped myself of having the feelings I should feel after it all. I haven’t relied on my family and friends to help me get through when they’ve been there all along. I’ve just kept it all to myself. Your brain is such a strange thing. All this time I’ve pushed the feelings from every time I’ve ever passed out or had a seizure and I’ve just shoved them to the back of my brain and tonight, they all came out. Everything I have ever felt the last 11 months I felt tonight. Friends and Family are so important in life. Without them we are nothing. I really am not 100% sure where this blog post was really supposed to go. I don’t have some inspirational point to it. I guess it was more for me than anything. To understand that I need the help of others and that it’s too hard now to do on my own. Nothing in life should ever be done alone, especially something like fighting a chronic illness.